Portent – The end of festivals August 2011

Portent – The end of festivals August 2011 -

I think I was writing to tell you that the weather here has been pretty poor. We are inundated with music and other festivals here in Cumbria which I think is the main reason for the poor weather. Hardly a week goes by without a festival of some sort. Last weekend saw a Fake-Fest in the most cynical of our local towns - Maryport – it was meant to be some sort of anti-festival event with cover bands the Killerz and the Antarctic Monkeys and the Ever So Grateful to be Alive Band; but it is now in its second year and the marquee blew down twice and the bar closed early on the Sunday when a fight broke out in the Chill Out Zone just after morning communion There are already plans for the rematch next year.

Our alternative incarnation bands - Mouldy Metal and the Above Average White Band did a mini folk festival near Whitehaven the same weekend – the marquee also blew down and we lost a couple of folding chairs. There were a few stressful moments when the big pork pie was served – the vegans showing signs of turning nasty. There were at least 3 other festivals on that weekend and we also have the 2 week Cockermouth Festival coming up.  We are in danger of being festivalled out.

I digress – which reminds me of an ex work colleague – let’s call him Barry.

Barry could digress for Africa. He also felt obliged, at every possible opportunity to make a speech or a point. I’m sure that there is syndrome for it. At weddings, business meetings, retirement events, opening of shops, birthday parties, funerals  – Barry would make a speech – he would stand-up or clear his throat loudly if people were already standing up and launch forth into a series of digressionary stories totally unrelated to the event. He didn’t need to know the person whose funeral it was or the subject of the meeting – Barry would just sort of refer to the subject and then digress a number of times into stories of his life. He had 20 stories which were quite interesting (the first time) but paled (I used to tick them off on a check list I made for the meetings I attended with him). 85 minutes is the shortest I’ve seen him drone, and that was at a retirement cocktail party he gate crashed. He said, and I will paraphrase here for the sake of our friendship, that he didn’t know the person who was retiring but he couldn’t help overhearing that it was a retirement party and that it reminded him of his (Barry’s) first day at work – and so it went on … his kid’s first day at school – (she’s a Doctor now – you know)…… when he met the Queen (story nr 11) … his divorce (tears)…

His great skill though is that he doesn’t actually finish a story without digressing to the next one; but he can hold the whole thing together by digressing in a serial fashion so that he can digress from 1 to 2 then 3 to 4. He will sort of finish 4 and re-digress back to 3 then to 2 then back to 1 and finish somewhere back on the subject – summing up what happened at 4 for the ones who had fallen asleep. Unless you have heard the stories previously there is no point in following. OH and never feel tempted to ask a question. His trick for dealing with questions is to say ‘ I know nothing about that question but that reminds me about my first day at work…….’

In business meetings, first timers are convinced that there were wise words linking last month’s accounts to Barry meeting the Queen in 1984 - but us old timers know different. I did try to stop him once when I was chairing, but he is deaf to any voice but his own – he just waits for a gap in proceedings and he’s off.

At least there wasn’t any Morris Dancing.  It’s the law that at any cultural event in England (not Scotland or Wales or Ireland) there must be Morris Dancers. I just don’t get it - sorry. Look – I cannot dance – but I cannot see the skill in walking out of time wearing ribbons and bells and funny hats and beards (must shave mine off for fear of being mistaken for a MD). Irish, Zulu, Scottish, Tap, Ballet, Rugby League, – I see the skill and athleticism (do the Welsh dance?) but Morris?

I’m told that Morris is derived from Moorish – described as Rhythmic Stepping – dating back to the 15^th Century and introduced to drive out the Moor and Blackamoor travellers and slaves across Europe. There’s pages and pages of the history of WoMD  (Weapons of Morris Dancing) – just google if you are really interested.

If I did not offend any Morris Dancers in the writing of this blog – I apologise.